| | |
|
Your Child's Life Story, Part 2Jayne Schooler1/21/2009
Why Children Need to Know Their Adoption Story
Experts cite four compelling reasons why children need to know their adoption story.
To Know the Truth, Not Fantasy
When children join their families through adoption and do not hear their story, they sometimes fill the vacuum with fantasy. Jonathan, age 10, imagined that his birthmother lived in a beautiful home near the ocean and when he was older, he would visit her. The problem? Jonathan’s mother was in prison and would be for a long time. Jonathan walked on the quicksand created by fantasy instead of truth.
To Build a Connection from the Past to Present and to the Future
Whether children enter adoptive homes as infants or older children, they bring a past with them. Having little or no information about the people in the past and the circumstances that led to adoption can leave those who are adopted with deep and pervasive feelings of being disconnected. A child’s story is the bridge that connects the past to the present and beyond.
To Build Trust in Parents and Other Important People
One of the most important issues for those who are adopted is trust. A major task for adoptive parents is to create an environment where adoption can be discussed freely, openly, and honestly.
A longtime expert in the field of adoption, Dr. Randolph Severson, commented that when adopted persons find out the secret(s), they state that they have suspected it, but have never admitted that. Severson explains, “There were probably subtle hints along the way, such as lack of pictures during pregnancy or coming home from the hospital. There were probably no stories unless they were fabricated. Some have resurrected memories of whispers at family gatherings. As the truth emerges, there is a rhythm of shock, anger and relief.”1
To Have the Need to Know Validated and Affirmed
When adopted children grow up in an environment where no one talks of the past or mentions their birth family, they receive a message: Do not ask. Dr. Severson illustrates the subtlety of this message. “Think back to growing up. Did you have a pet that died? Did you have a pet that disappeared? Which one was more difficult to get over? The pet that died or the one that disappeared? The answer is the pet that disappeared. With death comes closure. With disappearance, one is sentenced to a lifetime of wondering.” 2
For adopted children, having no ability to know what happened to the significant people in their lives sentences them to a lifetime of wondering. One adopted teen commented, “I know I have a birth family out there somewhere. Some days I actually look into crowds hoping maybe to see someone that looks like me.”
Principles for Telling a Child’s Life Story
Adoptive parents face a unique task. They need to share their child’s adoption story with them, while demonstrating compassion and cultural sensitivity. Following are five principles for sharing the story:
Tell the Truth
When you share your child’s adoption story, adapt it so that it is developmentally appropriate. Honesty is the foundation of healthy communication.
Use Positive, Accurate Adoption Language
Words are powerful because they have meaning. Too often when talking about adoption, adults tend to use words that give a negative impression. An example of this is the phrase “Why were you put up for adoption?” This leads the adoptee to feel like a piece of merchandise marketed to the highest bidder. Other words such as “adopted out” or “given away” or “real parent” do not accurately describe the adoption experience. Therefore, we must use words and phrases that define adoption positively.
By using positive and accurate language, we educate others about adoption. We choose emotionally “correct” words over emotionally-laden words. We speak and write in appropriate adoption language with the hopes of influencing others so that this language will someday be the norm.3
|
Accurate Language
|
Less Accurate Language
|
|
Birthparent
|
Real parent, natural parent
|
|
My child
|
Adopted child; own child
|
|
Choosing an adoption plan
|
Giving away, giving up your child
|
|
Finding a family to parent your child
|
Putting your child up for adoption
|
|
Deciding to parent the child
|
Keeping your baby
|
|
Person/Individual who was adopted
|
Adoptee
|
|
To parent
|
To keep
|
|
Child in need of a family
|
Adoptable child; available child
|
|
Parent
|
Adoptive parent
|
|
International or inter-country adoption
|
Foreign adoption
|
|
Child who has special needs
|
Handicapped child, hard to place
|
|
Child from another country
|
Foreign child
|
|
Was adopted
|
Is adopted
|
|
Birth relative
|
Blood relative
|
Remember the Child Knows More Than You Think
It is important to know, specifically for older adopted children, what the abuse or neglect was— because it happened to them. We should talk about life experiences they lived through. They may have been pre-verbal when it happened, but it does not mean they do not remember. Children can also be good detectives, interviewing others (siblings or other relatives) and/or looking through parents’ papers to find information. They may also remember more than parents realize. Failing to provide an atmosphere where a child can ask difficult questions is like allowing an elephant to live in the middle of the family living room. There is always a sense that something is not being talked about. Children learn early on from the open or closed communication environment just how they are to handle sensitive issues—whether to tiptoe around them or deal with them directly.
Do Not Place Value Judgments on the Child’s Story
The realities of a child’s life should not be withheld. However, some of these truths should be shared with demonstrated compassion toward the child who may have been neglected, abused, or abandoned. There are probably no parents who ever, as children, dreamed of becoming drug addicts or felons. Yet they did. Sometimes people become entangled in horrendous life circumstances in which they make choices that would be different if their lives had taken other paths. Poor choices do not justify wrong actions, but perhaps a truthful but compassionate perspective will lead a child to understand and maybe one day forgive her birth parents.
Don’t Forget, It Is the Child’s Story
A child should have control over his or her own story. Of course, parents love to share the story of how their child came to them. That is good. They love to share stories of an anecdotal nature. That’s good as well. However, what should be kept for only the child to tell when he chooses are the difficult parts of the story. Those things remain private.
It is not the adult’s responsibility or choice to share the story of a child’s past physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment, or trauma. It is not the adult’s responsibility to fill in all the gaps in the child’s story to those outside the family. Once a parent does that, the child has lost control of information that is only his to tell when he is ready, wants to, or needs to.
The child should be told that his adoption story is for him to tell.4
-
Jayne E. Schooler and Betsie L. Norris, Journeys After Adoption, (Westport, CT: Begin and Garvey Publishers, 2002), 51.
-
Ibid.
-
Accurate vs. Less Accurate Language is taken from NFCA’s Consider the Possibilities IAATP Training Curriculum, 2007
-
Ibid.
|
|
|
| | |
|
| |