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Birth Family Relationships, Part 3Mardie Caldwell & Renee Sanford1/21/2009
Longing for One’s Birth Family
If your child does not have an open adoption with known birth parents, or if you have lost touch with the birth family, there may come a day when your child expresses interest in searching for them and reuniting. First and foremost, remember that this is not necessarily a rejection of you. This is not in response to something you did not provide.
We all have an innate need to know who we are and where we came from. Your child’s birth family is part of who he is and where he came from. Different adoptees feel differently about this, and supporting his desire will show your child that you support him. Granted, this may be hard to do, but remember, your child will only benefit from learning more about his birth family’s health and medical history, as well as any other genetic information he can gather.
Elly’s adoption was closed. At 22, she was newly married and eager to start a family but, as she’d experienced all her life, she had to complete the doctor’s forms with “unknown” in every box asking about her family’s health history. She had contacted her adoption agency and indicated that she would be open to reuniting with her birth mother, but the agency had never heard from the birth mother. Searching was an option, but Elly just didn’t know if she wanted to take it that far.
When Elly was six months pregnant, she got a call out of the blue from the adoption agency, informing her that her birth mother had contacted them and was interested in speaking with Elly. Later that evening, they spoke on the phone for the first time, her birth mother eagerly answering endless medical questions that Elly could share with her doctor.
Sharon, Elly’s adopted mother, took the news a bit differently. Suddenly she had visions of this “stranger” being there when Elly delivered, trying to play grandmother, and only “showing up” when all the work was done. Through tears and prayer, Elly and Sharon came to understand each other’s positions, and were able to embrace each other’s need for reassurance that their bond would always come first.
Encourage your child to include you in her search should she ever pursue it. Embracing the need for a history and a heritage will strengthen the relationship the two of you have and convey that adoption is, indeed, a miraculous gift.
Assure your child that your love and commitment is unconditional—no matter how the birth family responds to her contact with them. If she encounters rejection, she will need your relationship more than ever. You can encourage her to separate negativity and the issues of the birth parent from her own self as a person, but mostly you can pray and grieve with her over another rejection and loss.
Before that day comes, instill in your child her value as a unique individual, created by God in the womb of another, but capable and responsible before Him as is each human being.
God’s Message about Family Relationships
As followers of Jesus Christ, it is important to embrace others with God’s love, even when it may be difficult. Certainly embracing your child’s birth family may come with hesitation. After all, you have adopted your child—not the whole birth family!
Yet God tells us we are to love others, and in doing so, to demonstrate His love for them. He clearly tells us, “We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” (1 John 4:19-21)
Through prayer for love and guidance you can learn to embrace your child’s birth family in a manner that benefits your child, honors your role as her parents, and treats her birth family with respect. Your understanding and acceptance of the situation allows you to fully appreciate God’s design for your family.
Appreciate the precious gift of parenthood granted to you by your child’s birth family by embracing them through the love of Jesus Christ.
A certified open adoption practitioner, Mardie Caldwell is the founder and CEO of Lifetime Adoption Center in California. She also founded Lifetime Adoption Foundation, a 501(c)3 nonprofit adoption charity to assist birthmothers in fulfilling their dreams by providing college scholarships for women who have chosen adoption. Mardie is the author of two books, AdoptingOnline.com and Adoption: Your Step by Step Guide.
Renée Sanford is a social worker, prolific author, book editor, public speaker, and vice president of Sanford Communications, Inc. Among their many credits, Renée and her husband, David, are the general editors of the acclaimed new Focus on the Family book, Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family. The Sanfords live “on the road to Damascus” a few miles from downtown Portland, Oregon, with their two youngest children.
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