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Birth Family Relationships, Part 2Mardie Caldwell & Renee Sanford1/21/2009
Options and Successful Strategies
What if the decision has been made, perhaps by a judge, that your child will be in contact with his or her birth family?
The most common means of contact is the exchange of letters and photos. The adoptive family sends updated letters and information to the birth family either directly or through their adoption professional. At times, the birth family may also send photos or news of their own in return. This can be an important opportunity for your child to experience two-way communication, to receive answers to questions only the birth family can answer, or even to simply build the foundation of a relationship.
With easy access to technology, contact has now jumped to cyberspace as well. E-mailing photos or sending links to online photo albums are easy ways to stay in touch. Some adoptive families have set up a private area at MySpace.com or MySpaceAdoption.com to post photos and updates, giving access only to members of the birth family. If your birth family is Internet savvy, there are many ways in which you can keep in touch without much effort.
It is important to understand why birth families want contact. While some are hoping to watch the child grow or to ensure that you are good parents, the reality is more likely that they are simply looking for the reassurance that they made the right decision. Birth grandparents who desire to stay in contact likely feel like most grandparents do. Be sensitive to the deep feelings that grandparents have for their grandchildren. If appropriate, encouraging this connection will provide more people who love your child, thus giving her the reassurance and sense of history that she is seeking.
Requests for visits with the child by birth families are on the rise. Often this is something that adoptive families fear or may be suspicious of. Rest assured that visits in adoption are not the same as visitation awarded in a divorce. A visit with a birth mother or other member of the birth family takes place with the adoptive family present; the child is not left alone unless the parent plans for it. Often visits are planned at public places, like parks or restaurants, where there is the opportunity for the child to engage in normal activities, giving the birth family the opportunity to see how happy and healthy your child is.
Your commitment to ongoing contact may have been one of the things that initially attracted a birth family to you. It is vital that you honor the commitment you have made to the birth family to the best of your ability.
For more information please consider visiting OpenAdoption.com.
Dealing with Feelings, Fears, and Fantasies
Adoptive parents and children alike can have a mixture of feelings, fears, and sometimes fantasies about birth families.
Adoptive parents often have strong concerns about ongoing contact with their child’s birth mother or father. Common fears include:
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Child will be confused.
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Child will be endangered.
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Child will be kidnapped.
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Child will state a preference to be with birth parent(s).
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Birth parent(s) will inform the child they didn’t want the adoption.
The best way you can reassure yourself and put some of your fears to rest is simply by remembering that your adoption is final. The birth family may or may not wish that things have changed permanently, but they have.
Don’t forget that children can be easily confused about many things in life. They often need facts and stories repeated several times before they really “get it.” If, from the beginning, you explain your child’s adoption story and the role that her birth family plays in it, she will not be confused. Many children who must deal with divorce or difficult family circumstances do so without being unnecessarily confused. The key factor is your steady parenting and loving reassurance.
If you stay with your child during visits and stay involved with other contact, your child will be more secure. Of course, you do not have to allow visits with any family members who may pose a threat to your child. Anyone with a criminal record or history of mental illness should be excluded from, or at least carefully monitored, during visitation.
Your child indeed may state a preference for his birth family—especially when he’s mad at you! Keep a sense of humor and save your reaction for his real concerns. Your child knows who his parents are. He knows that you love him. He also needs to know that he has a birth family that is a part of him. If his questions are answered, he will be satisfied, and know that his birth family, whatever relationship they have, is made up of more individuals who care about him.
People are unpredictable. A birth parent may say something unkind or damaging. If this happens, talk it through with your child. Listen well, assuring her of the truth of the situation and of your commitment to her. As well, make it clear to the birth parent that you cannot allow contact if your child is at risk for emotional harm.
Of course, many adopted children fantasize about their birth family if they know few facts about them. Without solid information, a child is left to fill that lack of information with fantasies about how wonderful they are. A child may even create imaginary friends who play a role in this fantasy adoption story. Common fantasies include:
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Birth family will return someday to “rescue” them.
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Birth mother is a princess, singer, or famous actress.
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Birth family didn’t want them.
Beginning with the truth minimizes the opportunity for a child to fantasize. If they know the truth, or at least the basic facts, any fantasy may be closer to the truth. This is one of the reasons it is vital to begin sharing your child’s adoption story from the very beginning. If a child knows their story, there simply isn’t the need to fantasize about it.
Since fantasy is also a natural part of childhood, providing the reality alongside the fantasy will ensure that fantasy isn’t taken into adulthood as fact.
Adult adoptees who did not know their birth families may need to have face-to-face contact with their birth family to put to rest their inner fantasies.
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